✨The Dos✨ 10 Birthday Questions for 38

Sometimes, you just have to interview yourself

Hi, hello, greetings, welcome back to ✨The Dos✨. Before I begin, I want to recognize the heaviness of this particular moment — the attack in Israel and unfolding situation in Gaza. I hope you’re taking good care of yourself, holding your people close, and leaning into connection with others when you can.

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Love all birthday cards, especially the cheesy ones.

A few years ago, my friend Jess and I were chatting about her upcoming birthday. She’d had a year, and we were talking about new years and beginnings. To nudge her in the direction of self-reflection, I emailed her a list of ten “birthday questions.” The list was specific to her, and meant for a journal prompt.

• What was the best date you went on?

• What was your favorite side/sauce/condiment discovery this year?

• What was the most important conversation you had with a family member? Why was it important?

A mix of serious and fun, the questions focused on year highlights and “Jess specifics” (like the condiment one, because she loves food).

I turned 38 a couple of weeks ago and my sweet friend reminded me of the questions. I continue to be a person who loooves a solar return — looks forward to it, revels in it, celebrates it (thank you, mom). The date on the calendar is an annual opportunity to turn inward to reflect and turn outward to celebrate.

Below, I’ve taken the birthday questions for a ride, combining the inward and outward reflection a bit. An interview with myself? Wow, what an on-brand return to writing here. ;)

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The Birthday Questions

These are the questions I wrote for Jess, with two swaps (the food ones!).

1. What podcast episode hit you hardest (in whatever way) this year?

   Longform Podcast, Episode 378 with Ashley C. Ford. The first time I listened to this episode, I was on a cross-country road trip with my ex, and things were not going well. We were on the second-to-last drive back to SF, the car heavy with silence. Seeking respite, I popped in Airpods and happened upon this beautiful thing, art in audio form.

   The whole episode is great — a mix of backstory on Ford’s memoir, how to get paid as a writer (she shares numbers! no one does that!) and my favorite, at the top of the show — a peek into her relationship with Kelly, her husband:

   It is really important to me that every person in the world know that that kind of love is out there and it’s available. Because I think a lot of people are at risk of giving up because they think, ‘Well, this is good enough.’ And I was like, ‘What if you could get everything you want?’ And not everything you want in the form of a perfect person, but everything you want in the form of a person who adores you and will never give up on you.

   Host: So, you are so public about being loved in this way because you are thinking about someone reading that? It’s not like you’re walking through the world with rainbows and sunshine.

   No, no. I’m very aware that the way I talk about being loved and write about being loved, for some people, will be a reminder that they’re worthy of love like that — just as they are, right now. Not whoever they’re going to be in three or five years and not who they were ten years ago. Right now, totally worthy of the exact same kind of love. To me, I wish I knew that.

   That day in 2021, her words shook me. So much so that I took a screenshot on my phone to capture the moment, sitting there in the passenger seat. This past year, I returned to the episode. A lot had changed — a breakup, grief, a return to self, a new relationship. I was listening to the same words, but hearing them so differently. It was a reminder to Future Alissa (yes, I call her that) to hold on to things that hook me today — to bookmark them, write the words down, take the screenshot. You never know when they might bring new meaning.

2. What was your favorite purchase this year?

   Not a physical “thing” per say, but I hired a professional organizer (Lucy!). I’ve long felt I’m a disorganized person, but it turns out — surprise! I just didn’t know the skill of organizing. And it is a skill. Ironically, one of the biggest lessons I learned after combing through every item in my home (quite literally, touching all of my possessions) was how little I need to be happy. And while I’m no minimalist, learning a system for what comes in and out of my home has made me feel lighter and happier.

3. What was the best date you went on this year?

   A dinner with my sister at Seabird in Wilmington, N.C.! The oysters and wine were great, but it was really about the short weekend trip, just the two of us. We are eight years apart and we’ve always been in very different seasons of life. It was nice to reconnect, have some spaciousness to chat, and enjoy all the weird things we have in common.

   

   Like a propensity to bead in bed!

4. What outfit made you feel your best this year?

   The first thing I thought of was this outfit, so I’m going with it. I’ve never felt confident in a sari, but I did on this day. For my first time celebrating Diwali, I wore this neon green sari, borrowed from my almost mom-in-law. Styled with Converse! And a ponytail!

   

   My not-so-subtle temple debut (OK, this was in the canteen, hence the shoes)!

5. What was your favorite meal out?

   Going with full-out nostalgia on this one. It was sharing a Chicago-style, deep-dish Lou Malnati’s pizza (obv, “The Lou”) with Amar after a run across Northwestern’s campus, on a beautiful summer day. I had nostalgia and endorphins running through my veins, and was so happy.

   

   I’m staring at this photo and remembering it’s possible to ship myself this pizza…

6. What was the most important conversation you had with a family member? When was it? Why was it important?

   It was a series of late night chats about marriage with my Mom and Dad. I spent several weeks with my parents over the summer, and made the time to sit with them after dinner to pick their brains about long-term partnership. I knew I’d soon be getting engaged, and wanted to talk through it with them, really get their take on this big life decision. We talked about priorities and commitment over time. It was particularly helpful to hear about how their own relationship had changed with time, kids, money and geography. I felt the importance and preciousness of these chats as I was sitting there with them late into the evening, munching on chips and sipping wine.

7. What were you most proud of this past year?

   Moving through a fertility journey focused on the future. I’d long contemplated freezing my eggs (so much to say here about timing, mental health, privilege, finances, breakups, body image, doing it single vs. in a relationship, etc.), but last year was the right timing for me to take this on.

   

   Shout-out to my support crew.

   The process took up the majority of the year from the first few meetings with fertility clinics to finding out results. I took on the project as a true project — I named it “Sprouts” and went full-steam ahead based on everything I learned. There are two big things I’m particularly proud of when it came to this journey. The first was managing the logistics side of it. Fertility preservation in 2023 is a complicated medical process with a ton of paperwork, finances, legal documentation, project management of practitioners and appointments, and precise timing. I thought I was bad at this stuff, but I’m not! It’s always nice to go through a hard thing and realize the story you tell yourself sometimes needs an adjustment.

   The second was focusing on specific things I could control, and letting go of the rest. Going in, I knew the process would be expensive, tough on my body, and take up a lot of time. So, I decided I’d sort of “train” for the whole thing, the way I might approach training for a marathon. You know, build a plan and stick to it. For my Sprouts training plan, this meant doing a bunch of elective stuff aimed at improving my chances at getting a good outcome (high quality eggs! super healthy ones! as many as you can muster!). I went to acupuncture, had an aggressive supplement protocol (12 to 15 pills per day, timed with meals so I didn’t feel nauseous), and ate a modified fertility diet (no fried food! no alcohol!). I also opted to cut back on exercise after learning it might help outcomes, which was hard for me. It was the ultimate exercise in trusting the journey instead of focusing on the destination, and damn, there were some really tough days and weeks in there. I’m grateful it went well for me.

   A quick note here before moving on — I hesitated a lot to share any of this. Freezing eggs or embryos is a deeply personal process, based on a number of factors we can and can’t control. I was mentally blocked on doing the thing for a long time. The single, crucial activity that helped me make the choice was talking with women who’d been through it. A handful of friends and friends-of-friends fielded my questions about cost, timing, giving myself shots in the stomach, the potential toll on my body, legal questions, lifestyle changes. How to navigate this process while falling in love! Holy shit, women are the best. All this said, if I can ever be helpful in providing one anecdote for you, please reach out. I’d love to help.

8. What’s something that surprised you this year?

   

   Channeling a bit of a “Saved by the Bell” vibe, eh?

   I’ve been surprised by a slight shift around identity, and how I view myself. It’s getting bigger, more expansive. One part of this is that I’m finally starting to feel like a true “creative,” and I want to lean into that more. It’s a good feeling.

9. What new thing do you hope to try in the next year?

   Marriage. ;) And writing more here!

10. What’s one thing you know for sure?

    The conversation is the relationship.

What birthday questions would you ask yourself? And, thank you so much for reading!

✌️ Alissa

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